The things you won't hear from a dive operator when booking a trip.

-"Hey, you're the first guest since...'the accident'."
-"Sorry, we can't take reservations until last week's group is found."
-"Our boats are Reef Diver I and Reef Diver III. Reef Diver II is our first dive for the day, located in 130 feet, five miles out."
-"We can make you a really good deal if you know something about boat engines."
-"Don't worry about the currents, if we don't find you I'm sure Search and Rescue will."
-"That whale shark pictured in our brochure is the only one we've seen in 20 years of diving here."
-"No, we don't have a shark dive, but we do feature a Portuguese man o' war encounter."

The reasons Santa Claus doesn't dive
-He's jolly enough without getting narced.
-He hates it when his dry suit leaks and his fuzzy red woolies get wet
-Still mourning the mysterious disappearance of his dive buddy, Frosty the Snowman, while diving in the Bahamas.
-Rudolph's nose shorts out under water.
-Have you tried to get 32 fins on little reindeer feet.

If Microsoft made dive gear
-Useless tips would show up on your dive computer every time you turn it on.
-None of your new gear would be compatible with any of your old stuff.
-When you called Microsoft to schedule a dive trip, you would be left on hold for a long time, and when you finally talked to someone you would be given a lot of information on diving that was absolutely correct but completely useless.
-Every dive computer would be from Microsoft and any deaths from them would be explained as a "beta version" problems. Don't worry, we'll fix that in the next release.
-Every time you were really close to your destination, your boat would crash.
Your air supply would stop and have to be restarted every couple of minutes and you would accept this as normal.


How To fail your open water test
-Tell your instructor you will race him to the surface.
-Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for "wussies".
-Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.
-Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.
-Tell your instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with 2,000 pounds of air in it.
-When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel brochures.

How do you know when your buddy is narked.
-He keeps staring at himself in your mask.
-You find him buddy breathing with a shark
-He pees in his dry suit.
-His mask fogs underwater and he spits in it.
-Your mask fogs underwater and he spits in it.
-He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles.

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off
their boats?"
To which Murphy replies:
"You thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in the
f@*&*n' boat"


My SCUBA instructor always stressed that you should never go diving alone. If you have equipment problems, your buddy can help you. If you run out of air, your buddy can help you. If you meet an aggressive shark, your odds are 50-50 instead of 100%.

a joke of Ben Plant

Two divers go spear fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.
The first one says, "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish."
The other answers, "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot."
"You idiot!" cries the first, "How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?"

by Ann Rally

One more??
He says: you don't need sing, we can see the bubbles that you fart!!!









Seen in he Personal Ads column:

Young attractive male seeks female dive buddy for shared recreation and friendship, must have boat. Please sent photo of boat.



Underwater life is not easy...Save yourself!



The real reason for underwater

Another one-

A:How many people does it take to circumcise a whale?

B:Four skin divers.

This one is great:

Two divers were checking a new reef when they saw a shark. The shark circled them, menacingly. One diver took off his fins and reached inside his BC and pulled out a pair of super-power fins.
His buddy signaled: What? You can't out swim a shark!
The diver signaled back: I don't have to out swim the shark - I only have to out swim you!

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Two divers go spear fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.
The first one says, "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish."
The other answers, "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot."
"You idiot!" cries the first, "How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?"


Joke by Ann Rally

You are in a dive boat and one of the divers, an attorney, falls in the sea. What do you throw him for him to hold onto?

An anvil!



When do you need to practice better buoyancy control?
-You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult to walk on the bottom.
-The only place you can hover is at the surface
-You use 50 psi for breathing and 150 psi for your BC.
-You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged three.
-You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight with your buddy.


How good Is your Instructor? You know more than your instructor when:
-You have to lend him a weight so he can get under.
-He keeps calling his scuba cylinder an "oxygen tank".
-He is a victim in your rescue course, and he isn't playing.
-His new dive computer is a Palm Pilot.
-You ask him about nitrox and he says he doesn't watch wrestling.
-He tells you not to worry about your gauges, "YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF AIR!!"




Classic things Instructors say
-What part of this did you understand?
-You couldn't make it to class because your what died?
-I see......, you just forgot to mention the epilepsy
-Yes, I know you were scared, but don't ever bite me again!
-You should've been here last week, the vis was great
-You didn't see the whale shark?
-You don't want to do the buddy breathing because you have what!
-Welcome to the food chain folks, you are no longer on the top!


Is your new dive buddy experienced if:
-He asks, "which one of these thingies goes in my mouth"?
-He offers to carry everyone's gear to the boat?
-He thinks a BC is a comic strip about cavemen?
-He's upset when you tell him his dive computer doesn't run windows vista
-He argues that NITROX was a monster who battles Godzilla?
-He says "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that "tingling feeling",then I know it's time to surface"?